Closing walls and ticking clocks…………I stand here keeping time on a watch without calibrations. There exists a bothering sense of urgency… unrecognizable, incomprehensible yet undeniable. Don’t know if its fear but what is there to be afraid of. Maybe its ambition but what is there to want. Maybe it is failure but what is it that never did fail? No it is not success for success isn’t complete without more success. It has to be something else that drives me, thrives in me, loves me and makes me love…aspire…fear…fail…succeed.
I find myself on the platform … staring … waiting. I feel my pockets for a cigarette…don’t find one…I remember I don’t smoke… I look around for somebody to speak to, don’t see anyone…or maybe I don’t want to see anyone. I speak to myself…try to read lips…
Passing time shows no arrogance only apathy… it passes noiselessly for sound is free…passing windows catch my attention now and then… I see beauty… admire it secretly… then turn away…can’t decide whether she eyes me too…can’t decide whether I could get myself to want her… she gets off…I get off…
I am still speaking…I am the only one listening…I am destined to appear for an interview…MBA interview…I consciously walk straight…wear a meretricious smile…there are other guys like me…I hate their ties…I love mine…I feel hollowed…inside out… there are friends around…some from same college…most of them better than me…but these people are ‘modest’…complements attract complements…don’t they? …There is a lot of sugar around… I feel lonely…if there is one thing worse than being an ugly duckling in a house of swans; it's having the swans pretend there's no difference… I feel saturated…I hate interviews…I don’t know why do I want to do an MBA…
They don’t care what I tell them… I don’t care too… its called mutual cooperation…they understand… I understand too… I feel sad though…I want to go home…
I am home…I feel relaxed…I strip down for a shower…let the cold water douse me…I like myself in the mirror…regular exercise pays…it does…I like the roughness of the towel…I finally have a smile on my face…
Mom calls…she wants to know how the interview went…I give her my account of it…she cannot believe I said what I did…I reassure her…she gives way…never mind she says you can always go to Harvard…oh I love my mother…my sister calls too…speaks of everything except the interview…I love her too…I can’t tell her that though…saying that would be hara-kiri…my spirits are up and running again…
I have five missed calls on my cell…Kalyan wants to know how my interview went…even Pallav is curious…Vaibhav desperately wants the bad news…lol…somebody else is also concerned…I call her up…she’s at all ears to my story…she has her own too…I listen to it reluctantly…I am in no mood for another one on shopping discounts…it turns out to be interesting though…a covert invitation to a dinner party…now I feel I have a life…fortunate one…I accept…
I had to lie…I would be visiting friends in Noida I told my mother…but its ok…didn’t want to handle too many questions…Kanika looks like a diva…we dance…I am pathetic at dance…she’s tolerant though…I step on her foot a couple of times…she steps on mine…I am happy I came…Sid is there too…even Kapil…we have an amazing dinner…first time in the day I feel satiated…Mom calls…she knows…I am guessing…its for saying good night…our night though has just begun …I finally feel I am among equals…I am smiling…I am happy…I live for people around me…I love them…I don’t care if I make it to an B school…at least not until tomorrow…
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